And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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