so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Found the puke drawer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
