What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
