What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
