fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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