I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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