If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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