Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
