ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
