I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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