I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
