Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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