I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
