Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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