I could make wine with my vomit
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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