I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
