there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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