I could make wine with my vomit
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
not ubering you a puppy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
