A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
