tell your sister to shave her snatch
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
