Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
