Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
