I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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