I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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