So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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