Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
