the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
