I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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