Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
