I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
