did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
