The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
