3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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