Cold hands, warm shart.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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