i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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