I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
