Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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