For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
