so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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