Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
