Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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