i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
