Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
