Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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