Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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