You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
