paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
