I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
