just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
