I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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