eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
