I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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